Every now and then, chance, luck, or a twist of fate, will send you a signal that you are on the right path. In early December 2009, we found ourselves at a crossroads. We set a deadline to either switch to the Special Waiting Child (SWC) program or abandon our China adoption petition altogether. At our ages, it seemed ridiculous to wait another 7+ years to adopt a first child, not to mention unfair to the child. Our self-imposed deadline of January 1, 2010 was rapidly approaching, and neither one of us had any strong feelings either way. Looking back, perhaps we had coped with the three-year wait by convincing ourselves it was okay if it never happened. So, the idea of abandoning our petition, while sad, wasn't really devastating anymore.
Late at night on December 30, 2009, I was doing what I often do--scouring the internet for answers to the many nagging questions in my head, while Brian slept soundly in the next room. I started giving more and more thought to the SWC program, and imagining life with a special needs child. As I started surfing around for info on various special needs, I remembered a couple we encountered on one of the message boards in March 2007. Our dossiers had been sent to China on the same day, and we were both anxiously awaiting our log-in-dates! They were very kind and supportive, and we had a lot in common. About a year into our wait, they switched to the SWC, and adopted a boy with cleft lip/cleft palate (CL/CP). I really wished I could find their blog and see how it had turned out for them. The problem was, in the two years since I'd last read about them, I'd gotten a new computer and forgotten their blog address! So, I made a mental note to google their screen name later that night, maybe I would find something.
In the meantime, I posted the following message to the Rumor Queen forum: At this time in 2006, our paperchasing was coming to a close, and we were so looking forward to our LID and "12-14 month wait" (what a joke!). We finally got our LID on 4/2/2007. After 3 years, DH who is 47 and I (41) have decided that it's time to make a decision. We just can't stay in limbo indefinitely. If we're not going to get a child in the next 2 years, it makes little sense to continue to pursue a NSN adoption.
Throughout our wait, we've periodically discussed converting to adopt a boy with a minor correctable SN (i.e. cl/cp or heart defect). Last month, DH and I decided that we needed to set a date to make a decision: January 1, 2010. The significance of the date has more to do with our I600A expiring than anything else. As the deadline approaches, I'm so torn up about this decision. After 3 years, I'm afraid I've talked myself out of wanting children at all. Last year, we spent another 8 months going through more unsuccessful fertility treatments. In response to that, we got our first dog, who is just the love of our lives. I think that in order to cope with this interminable delay, I convinced myself that I could be happy without a child.
So now, as I stand faced with this major life decision, I simply don't know what I want any more. I think to myself that it would be so much easier to just abandon our application, devote our lives to our careers and our pets, and plan for an early retirement. But then I think about how excited we were when we thought a child was only a year away, and how much richer our lives have become from just getting our dog... I know we'd be forever changed by adding a child to our family. I'm just not sure I can do it, especially with a SN.
Anyone else going through this? Care to share your thoughts and feelings, and how you are coping with these decisions? I'm hoping that by talking it out with some folks who are in my boat, my feelings will become more clear to me.
Well, as chance would have it, within an hour, the first person to respond to my post was Violet, the woman whose blog I intended to google earlier in the evening. She was as encouraging and supportive as she had been three years ago, and she reminded me of her blog address. I went there, and saw the pictures of her, her husband and their son at Christmas, and just fell apart. I wanted that, too. I had just forgotten how much. I was flooded with dozens of other posts of support, for which I will be forever grateful. It was in those posts that I found my heart's desire.
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